JOKES

1) Matured Desires
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!


2) Women's/Men's English
Women's English & what they actually mean...
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

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Men's English & what they actually mean...

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!


3) No Fishing!
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!


4) Madness
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"


5)Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"