Day after Christmas

1) Day after Christmas.
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"
The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."
To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

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2) Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the lady teller at the counter, "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' savings account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the counter and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' savings account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir . . .," the manager said, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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3) The devil's mate!
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".

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4) Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"

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5) An Old Man's Dying Request
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer
"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

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