QUESTION 1
Two sentries were on duty outside a barracks. One faced up the road to watch for anyoe approaching from the North. The other looked down the road to see if anyone approached from the South. Suddenly one of them said to the other, "Why are you smiling?"
How did he know that his companion was smiling?
Answer:
Although the guards were looking in opposite directions, they were not back to back. They were facing each other….
QUESTION 2
1 A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday stayed two nights and left on Friday.
How could that be?
Answer:
His horse's name was Friday…
QUESTION 3:
A woman was sitting on a windowsill on the 35th floor of a building. She was about to commit suicide. The police surrounded the bottom of the building telling her NOT to jump. Her husband was in the room with her and kept trying to stop her. She got nervous and fell, yet she did not get or hurt or even a scratch. Why?
Answer:
She fell INTO her room instead of out the window!
QUESTION 4:
A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?
Answer:
It was daylight.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Day after Christmas
1) Day after Christmas.
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"
The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."
To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."
**************************************
2) Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the lady teller at the counter, "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' savings account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the counter and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' savings account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir . . .," the manager said, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
**************************************
3) The devil's mate!
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".
**************************************
4) Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"
**************************************
5) An Old Man's Dying Request
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer
"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
**************************************
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"
The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."
To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."
**************************************
2) Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the lady teller at the counter, "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' savings account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the counter and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' savings account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir . . .," the manager said, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
**************************************
3) The devil's mate!
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".
**************************************
4) Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"
**************************************
5) An Old Man's Dying Request
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer
"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
**************************************
Monday, November 9, 2009
RIDDLES1
Question 1:
A guy bet his neighbor $100 dollars that his dog could jump higher than a house. Thinking this not possible, the neighbor took the bet an lost.
Why did he lose the bet?
Answer:
cos a house cannot jump!!!
*********************************************
Question 2:
What does a blind man see,
a deaf man hear,
and if you eat it you are sure to die?
Answer:
Nothing
*********************************************
Question 3:
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
Answer:
The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
*********************************************
Question4:
You have three stoves: a gas stove, a wood stove, and a coal stove, but only one match. Which should you light first?
Answer:
The match!
*********************************************
Question 5:
Jim was examining an angle measuring 14 and 1/2 degrees, using his magnifying glass that magnifies everything two times. Under the glass, how large would that angle measure?
Answer:
14 and 1/2 degrees
A guy bet his neighbor $100 dollars that his dog could jump higher than a house. Thinking this not possible, the neighbor took the bet an lost.
Why did he lose the bet?
Answer:
cos a house cannot jump!!!
*********************************************
Question 2:
What does a blind man see,
a deaf man hear,
and if you eat it you are sure to die?
Answer:
Nothing
*********************************************
Question 3:
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
Answer:
The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
*********************************************
Question4:
You have three stoves: a gas stove, a wood stove, and a coal stove, but only one match. Which should you light first?
Answer:
The match!
*********************************************
Question 5:
Jim was examining an angle measuring 14 and 1/2 degrees, using his magnifying glass that magnifies everything two times. Under the glass, how large would that angle measure?
Answer:
14 and 1/2 degrees
Sunday, November 8, 2009
JOKES1
1)wise sayings:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
2)
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
3)little Johnny:
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one....
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"
4)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
5) Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is NO PAIN, NO PAIN.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
7. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
9. One out of every three Nigerians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then you must be the one.
10. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
11. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
2)
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
3)little Johnny:
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one....
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"
4)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
5) Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is NO PAIN, NO PAIN.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
7. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
9. One out of every three Nigerians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then you must be the one.
10. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
11. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Thursday, November 5, 2009
RIDDLES
Question 1:
What occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment, yet never in a thousand years?
Answer:
The letter M.
Question 2:
Does the law allow a man to marry his widows sister?
Answer:
If a man has a widow, that only means that he's dead. And dead people can't get married.
Question 3:
A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader.
How did he do this?
Answer:
He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Question 4:
There are 2 cops parked along a one-way street looking for traffic violations.
They spot a taxi driver going in the wrong direction, yet they do nothing.Why?
Answer:
He was "walking" and not driving his cab.
Question 5:
Jim was examining an angle measuring 14 and 1/2 degrees, using his magnifying glass that magnifies everything two times. Under the glass, how large would that angle measure?
Answer:
14 and 1/2 degrees
What occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment, yet never in a thousand years?
Answer:
The letter M.
Question 2:
Does the law allow a man to marry his widows sister?
Answer:
If a man has a widow, that only means that he's dead. And dead people can't get married.
Question 3:
A man walks into a his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader.
How did he do this?
Answer:
He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Question 4:
There are 2 cops parked along a one-way street looking for traffic violations.
They spot a taxi driver going in the wrong direction, yet they do nothing.Why?
Answer:
He was "walking" and not driving his cab.
Question 5:
Jim was examining an angle measuring 14 and 1/2 degrees, using his magnifying glass that magnifies everything two times. Under the glass, how large would that angle measure?
Answer:
14 and 1/2 degrees
Sunday, November 1, 2009
JOKES
1) Matured Desires
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!
2) Women's/Men's English
Women's English & what they actually mean...
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
======================================================
Men's English & what they actually mean...
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
3) No Fishing!
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
4) Madness
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"
5)Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!
2) Women's/Men's English
Women's English & what they actually mean...
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
======================================================
Men's English & what they actually mean...
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
3) No Fishing!
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
4) Madness
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"
5)Heaven Help Us
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.
The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a kia Picanto and sent on his way.
The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.
A few months later, the three meet up and the Picanto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".
Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was trekking!"
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